Monday Triumph

It was 6.30pm on a typical Monday evening and I was taking the tube home. Normally I would not dare to attempt an underground journey at this time of the day, but as I had just had a lovely walk across the town, and my presence had been accompanied by a very rare phenomenon of sunshine and an old favourite playlist of mine, I had decided not to care about the flesh melting swelter and chaos of the rush hour. Standing on the platform, I had to wait for four Northbound Victoria line trains to pass until I was able to actually fit myself in the carriage. This however did not bother me since I was not in a rush anywhere. I had my music, it was my day off, and nothing was going to ruin my spirit. So I took a deep breath, squeezed myself through the edge of the train to the 20cmx10cm oval space in front of the doors, grabbed a hold of one of the blue poles and finally I was on the move. 

As a Londoner one learns very quickly how to stand in crowded trains without actually touching anyone, and so had I. Everything was going as expected, until suddenly I felt a growing sensation of unease. I looked to my left and sure enough, there they were: the most piercing pair of eyes I have ever met staring at me. Fed up to her ears, this fifty somewhat lady standing next to me had apparently decided I was the root of all discomfort in her tube journey and boy was she going to let me feel it. Never had I ever experienced such a hostile stare. It was as if she was shredding my face into mince with her black eyes. I stood there in amazement. I was taking up a ridiculously small space, I had not let out a quiet one, nor was my music loud enough for her to hear it. Why wouldn’t she turn her face elsewhere? 

After a few moments of this bizarre staring competition, I couldn't help but sincerely ask her what's the problem. She shook her head at me in most obvious disgust, as if I should have known what horror I have caused standing next to her, and continued to stare at me. At this point I started to feel a tickling sensation in the pit of my belly. The lady’s reactions were so ludicrously dramatic I was about to burst out laughing! But I was not going to give her that, so with the most innocent face I could possibly produce I looked even deeper into her eyes and asked, "Why are you staring at me like that?" Either she felt a nudge in the tiny black quivering piece of muscle that once used to be her heart, or her gigantic ego realised I was not going to apologise for my existence, and behold- she looked away! In complete triumph I faced the other way and beamed the most victorious smile Victoria line has ever witnessed! Only to see fifty other miserable faces in front of me. London, you are a cunt of a city, yet you continue to amuse me.

The Success Delusion

I overheard this self-declared spiritual master having a conversation with his friend: ”I know more successful people than you do.”  His friend: ”Well I know Mr. Bla Bla”. He then replied ”But I am talking about billionaires, is he a billionaire?” ”Yes he is a billionaire.” Is that spanking each other’s egos or what?

It really makes me cringe when "spiritual" people (or anyone!) define success by how much wealth one has accumulated. It really does not help that books like "The Secret" are the newest religion amongst the "enlightened" either. I basically opened the cover, flipped a few pages, and as soon as I saw the taglines "What kind of a house you want to live in? Do you want to be a millionaire? What kind of business do you want to have? Do you want more success?" I knew the book was not for me. I have no doubt the law of attraction works, but my immediate gut feeling was that the book only seems to be creating more desire. I refuse to believe that increasing one's wants creates more happiness, in my mind it is quite the contrary. 

So I decided to stay away from "The Secret" to success. I have my own ideas on the subject. How about looking at people through what kind of an impact they have on other people around them, or on the nature, or the animals? How about seeing successful people as those who have courage to speak up, who have found their path or are rigorously searching for it, who are happy in the moment, who are fighting an illness, who make time for their family, who are not afraid to be open, who can admit their flaws?

Some of us consciously go against this success delusion, taking low-paying jobs over high salaries because the things we value the most in life simply have nothing to do with money or social status.

Inner Voice

Some people call it the sound of God.. Lets play with this thought a little bit. 

It is said that it is a sin to do anything that takes you further away from God. Now, I am not a particular fan of the concept of ”sin”, nor do I believe in living life through fear of doing wrong or being punished for your sins. But I do know that the more I act against my own inner voice, the further it takes me from self-love. In this light, ”sin” would not necessarily mean something that we might objectively think is bad. It could be anything you do or leave undone that you know will make you feel bad about yourself. And we all know what hell it can be when we feel bad within our own skin. Therefore, metaphorically the whole idea of sinning taking you to hell actually makes complete sense. 

And as everyone has their own journey to happiness, I believe that each of us has our own individual ”sins” as well. Of course there is such a thing as a set of universally preferable behaviors, a certain moral code we all try to adhere to, such as don’t steal or kill, but interestingly even those rules have been made into matters of relativity in certain circumstances. One is allowed to kill at war, and on the other hand, one has to subject to being stolen from in the form of taxation- government being the thief. But I am not here to argue about morality that can be bent into laws and exceptions. I am talking about the subjective and in my belief also universally occurring experience of one’s inner voice - the inner truth of a person, or the guiding force within. 

We could also call these individual ”sins” obstacles of happiness. For instance, some people know they should get up earlier to feel more empowered during the day, yet every day they sleep in. Some people know they should not keep eating that junk food, or smoking those cigarettes. Some people know they should work less and spend more time with their family. These kind of inner conflicts demand a lot of energy, for we must constantly fight against our inner voice in order to justify our actions. No wonder oftentimes we are so exhausted at the end of the day, although we have done ”nothing”.

Also, some people talk of an inner voice that is very destructive, twisted or illusional, but I believe this is a product of a chemical or hormonal imbalance in the brain, or a severe spiritual matter. The inner voice I speak of exists underneath all that, in the very core of our being, and it never fully goes away. It can be muffled, ignored, fought against or buried by sickness or sorrow, and the longer it is being neglected, the more it begins to lose its force. Slowly it can begin to diminish, until all that is left is a silent shadow-like form that merely withers in the back of our soul. But when being truly sought after, it will rise from the deepest of graves and empower one from within. It is like an answer to a prayer. It appears, guides, protects and comforts. It is that very voice that makes someone not jump from the 56th floor. It is that voice deep within that makes even a serial killer cry in court when being forgiven by one of his victim’s parents.

So are we really talking of God here? Is that voice the divine consciousness manifesting itself within all of us? Or does it even matter what we call it? Whether we are Buddhist, Jewish or Atheist, I know we all still possess that guiding voice within. How about we start listening to it?

P.S. Here is a speech about self-love that Charlie Chaplin gave on his 70th birthday:

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is AUTHENTICITY.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody as I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it RESPECT.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it MATURITY.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment, so I could be calm. Today I call it SELF-CONFIDENCE.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it SIMPLICITY.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything the drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.Today I know it is LOVE OF ONESELF.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is MODESTY.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it FULFILLMENT.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection WISDOM OF THE HEART.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS LIFE!