Why do children hate their parents?

I ask this question with utmost loving intent. I wish no child would have to grow up with such inner conflict. I wish no adult would have to live with such guilt. But the truth is, many of us do. Many of us simply cannot stand to be in the company of our parents, and we feel terrible about it. And at the same time our parents are desperately asking themselves why their children do not call them anymore. Why nobody came home for Father’s Day. 

The reason I brought this up is that it seems to be a subject no one wants to touch. And no one wants to admit they dislike their own parents. We are conditioned to believe that we must love our parents by default. And so the hatred remains underneath it all, hidden in the politeness of the dinner table. Creating more distance. Ever draining, ever consuming.

But here is the thing, and this is vitally important for us to understand: we owe it to ourselves to face the hatred and we owe it to ourselves to get past it. We owe our parents nothing. They brought us here. And it was their responsibility, and theirs alone to guide us, guard us and love us. Unconditionally. We owe them nothing.

Of course being a parent is not easy. 
But it was their own stupidity if they chose to bring us here when they were not emotionally mature or balanced enough to be parents. 
It was their own selfishness if they could not arrange enough time for us. 
It was their own naivety if they thought having children would mend their relationship. 
It was their own cowardice if they chose to let their children grow up in a broken home. 
It was their own insecurity if they were only ever able to criticise us. 
It was their own weakness if they could not show discipline in other means than violence. 

It is their own lack of wisdom if they do not understand that we are our own people and we did not come here to fulfill their broken dreams. It is their own ignorance if they do not understand that we will always remember how they made us feel. It is their own hypocrisy that made us lose respect for them. And it is their insurmountable fear that will not let them go down on their knees and apologise. For facing the truth is terrifying. And one must forgive oneself to be able to ask for forgiveness.

Very often though we children grow up to be wiser than our parents. Sometimes it takes us to humble ourselves and talk about it all. And other times it takes us to realise that they just cannot do better and we simply move on. Some of us learn to forgive them and create a new, healthy relationship that is built on true openness and mutual respect. But we must, absolutely must let go of the hatred. Otherwise we are continuing a circle of conflict and guilt that we will pass on to our own children whether we want it or not.